Rules for Relationships Every spouse Should Memorize
Romantic relationships, like babies, don’t come with manuals. It’s just you, and another person, liking each other, and figuring things out. But that doesn’t mean there’s no sense in learning about how relationships work. Just because there’s no official guidebook doesn’t mean that some smart people haven’t come up with some best practices
And while what works for one couple may be terrible advice for another, AskMen spoke to a handful of relationship experts to find out what they think are the golden rules for relationships at any stage, whether you’re still in the “honeymoon phase,” have just gotten married and are actually on your literal honeymoon, or are a decade (or multiple decades) in.
Here’s what they had to say:
1. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
We may not see this play out in our cultural depictions of relationships — we don’t see all the negotiations and compromises after the “happily ever after” part — but healthy communication skills are a massive part of any successful relationship.
“So often, we get lost in the day-to-day stresses of life that we forget to truly check in with our partner (or ourselves),” says sex, love, and erotic empowerment coach Lorrae Bradbury. “When we communicate consciously, we take an inventory of our thoughts and emotions first, so we can take accountability for how we’re showing up in our relationship, and recognize how that may be affecting our partnership, for better or worse.”
“One specific technique you can employ right away is the use of ‘I’ language,” says Marisa T. Cohen, Ph.D., LMFT, founder of Embracing Change Marriage and Family Therapy. “‘I’ language focuses on the behavior rather than on attacking the person, in this case, your partner. Through the use of ‘I language’, you explain to your partner what the issue is and why you are upset or angry. This allows for much more effective and clear communication.”
For example, rather than saying, “You’re always late and it’s driving me crazy,” you might phrase it as, “I feel undervalued and hurt when you’re late.” This subtle shift acknowledges your feelings without attacking your partner or their behavior, and can be enough to help the conversation move in a positive direction rather than getting bogged down in an unpleasant argument.
2. Apply the “Golden Rule”
Is it a bit meta to have a golden rule about the golden rule? Perhaps. But there’s a decent chance you came across this maxim in grade school: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And, surprise! It’s pretty good advice for your grown-up relationships, not just kindergarten classrooms.
“Treat your partner/friend/coworker the way you would want them to treat you,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together. “Try and understand how it would feel to receive what you’re putting out. If it’s not good, apologize and try again.”
Expecting your partner to do all the housework while you get to goof off? Not so fun if the roles are reversed, is it? Feeling disappointed that your partner’s nixing your suggestion of a threesome with someone you find super hot but they feel a bit threatened by? Well, that’s only understandable. Remembering to put yourselves in each other’s shoes will go a long way.
3. Validate Each Other
As close as you may be with a partner, you’re not the same person.
“Being that members of a couple each see the world in their own unique ways, as they each had their own upbringings, it is unrealistic to think that both people will always see eye to eye,” says Cohen. “Therefore, rather than continually circling back and belaboring the same points trying to get your partner to view things in the same way you do, or experiencing an impasse, we may benefit from validating one another.”
This, she says, consists of “the acknowledgement of a person’s feelings, thoughts, beliefs, or desires.”
“Validation does not attempt to alter a person’s experience, but rather accepts it as is,” Cohen explains. “By acknowledging each other’s different viewpoints, and asserting their worth, we can de-escalate potentially heated discussions.”
Ultimately, telling your partner you understand where they’re coming from and that you recognize the validity of their feelings or their point of view can go a long way towards making them feel emotionally safe in the relationship.
4. Accept Your Differences
At times, it’s easy to get frustrated by the ways you and your partner don’t exactly line up.
“Realize you are two different people, and the other person may not see it the way you see it; so seek to understand their point of view,” says Tessinna. “We all grew up on different planets, with different assumptions of how to do things. You and the other person won’t always understand things the same way.”
But rather than tolerating the ways you’re different, try to see your partner’s differences as a positive: they can see things you can’t, can do things you can’t, and together, you can help address needs each of you has but can’t resolve on your own.
5. Allow Each Other to Grow & Change
Meanwhile, if your relationship has any hope of working over the long term, you’ll need to acknowledge that human beings are not fixed entities.
“We are ever-evolving creatures, and as we grow, we might find that we have different needs and desires, whether that’s more time to invest in a passion or hobby that lights us up, or the desire to deepen emotional or physical intimacy,” says Bradbury.
That might feel daunting, but nothing great comes without effort.
“Stay open to these natural fluxes, and commit to navigating them with compassion together,” Bradbury suggests. “Approach changes with open-mindedness, allowing your partner to express themselves fully without judgment. A newfound interest or desire might spark more passion between you!”
6. Don’t Keep Score
Being in a relationship means letting go of whatever instincts you have to keep a spreadsheet of costs, assets, values and so forth. If you approach love with a penny-pinching mentality, you’ll only sabotage the romance of the relationship in the long run.
“Many people have said that relationships should be 50/50, or that partners should adopt a tit-for-tat or quid-pro-quo strategy,” says Cohen. “In such a situation, partners will reciprocate what the other contributes (good or bad). Therefore, if your partner buys you a present, you buy them one in return. Conversely, if your partner forgets to give you something for your anniversary, you respond in kind and don’t give them the present you had purchased. This approach can be harmful to the relationship.”
“Circumstances change, and at times one partner may need the other to pitch in a bit more,” Cohen says. “It is important to be flexible when it comes to what each person contributes. Don’t keep tabs. If you do this, your focus is on the day-to-day details, rather than the satisfaction you derive from the relationship. If you devote yourself fully to the relationship, your partner will hopefully pick up the slack when needed.”
7. Be Thoughtful About the Time You Spend Together
Love is about togetherness, sure, but there’s more to it than simply being near each other, and that’s something that can slip away in relationships over time as the passion of the early days dwindles.
“Simply sitting on the couch zoning out with Netflix or across the dinner table on our phones isn’t true ‘quality time’,” Bradbury says. “You’re physically together, but mentally apart.”
To remedy this, she says, you need to be a bit more intentional about things.
“Carve out time that truly feels like connection, whether that is a special date night, a weekend getaway, or time spent snuggling up,” Bradbury suggests. “When your together-time is higher quality, it can help soothe any feelings that arise when we naturally need alone-time. Mindfully invest in each of those experiences (togetherness and personal time) with activities that truly fill your cup, versus mindlessly zoning out.”
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Rules for Relationships Every spouse Should Memorize
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