It is as if my heart could not take anymore. As I watched him walk out my door, little did I know it would be for the last time, and I was without words. I stared at my door, unwilling to move the, only thing I had on my mind in that moment was a list of things my heart would miss about him. “Should I go after him,” not meaning to say the words out loud, but I had lost all sense of control over the controllable.
I replayed the events leading up to today in my mind, that did not make this any easier, it only made my heart ache more. I only pulled my stare away long enough to notice my phone was lighting up. My heart skipped a beat thinking that it was him on the other end telling me I was crazy and that this was a mistake. “Hello?” I said with a trembling voice. No sooner did the call connect I heard “am I speaking to Alexandra Queen?” My voice went up four octaves as I screamed into the phone “DAM TELEMARKETERS!” I hung up the phone quicker than I picked it up. My thoughts instantly drifted back.
I stood there again unwilling to move, a single tear fell from my eye, onto my ivory glass coffee table and in that moment, I knew my heart was broken. Every unspoken word not said, every tear not shed and every fight that had not been fought,” was this all for nothing?” I already knew the answer before my mind had time to even process the question. My thoughts were in sync with my breaking heart, and it was not stopping. The feeling I had in the pit of my stomach almost doubled me over. I had a front row seat to the show called, “misery”. Tears started to swell up in the corners of my eyes and I knew it would not stop. They kept going like a never-ending train. The kind of trains that last forever and when you think it is just about over, it halts on the tracks.
The more I tried to convince myself I made the right decision the more it felt like the wrong one. There was a constant ping pong battle going on inside my head, in that moment I honestly did not see an ending to this pain. The moment he walked out that door every bone, every cell and every molecule in my body wanted to run after him and tell him to stay and that I still loved him, but that moment never came and the unspoken love fell just as it will always be, unspoken. I pulled myself together long enough to get ready for bed. I climbed into my queen size bed pulled my silk tie dyed sheets and the comforter to match, over my head and began to sob every so lightly, kind of a relief from the river of tears I was rowing down earlier.
For the first time in five years there I was alone in my bed and all I could do was replay the last few years like an old movie screen in my mind. Every fight, every laugh and every kiss were on repeat. I turned over only to be reminded once again how much my heart hurt. I was staring at big brown eyes and a wet snout. It was our dog Brynlee. Jake had got her for me a few Christmases ago as an early anniversary present. We talked about having kids, but the timing was always wrong according to him. Brynlee was a chocolate-colored Labrador Retriever with one white paw on her back right leg and an almost strawberry colored patch of fur right under her chin. She had this worried look in her eyes. “Brynlee baby girl I am ok “, it came out more of a question than a statement. “Okay Alexandra shut your mind off”, I said out loud as to try to convince my body to follow what my mind already knew, I needed sleep. Sleep did not come without a fight, but at last it did come.
“Ding Dong Ding Dong”, my alarm went off and it seemed louder than ever before. Why do people feel hungover after a breakup? My entire body was refusing to move. It was almost as if it was working against me instead of for me. My morning routines were always the same. I do not handle change very well.
My routine starts out with Brynlee and I going for a morning jog along the pier at sunrise. This is when it seems the most peaceful. I would stop and just stare out at the breathtaking sky. It was almost like God, or the angels took colors of bright pinks and yellows and added hints of orange and red, smeared it across the barely lit sky as the sun started to peek up over the oceans edge. After I would get done with my jog, I would shower, feed Brynlee, water the plants and chug my coffee. I would be out the door just before 8 AM just in time to start my full day at 9 AM, but this morning every muscle in my body ached and my heart was no exception. Every smell, every piece of furniture and every inch of this house felt like a bad dream I could not wake up from.
As I attempted to step into the shower to wash off the regret and depression, it was as if someone slammed me against the wall, “and not in a Fifty Shades of Grey way “. There in our quaint bathroom with its bohemian shower curtain and my fluffy bathroom rug that I just had to have, nestled away on a shelf in the corner was a picture of Jake and I last Halloween. I went as sally, and he went as Jack the skeleton from “Nightmare Before Christmas.” I wanted to throw the picture against the wall. I wanted to scream and cry, but the only thing I did was simply turn it over and continue to my shower. “Will this ever end”, I said out loud to anyone that could possibly hear. It came out more of a scream than a normal voice.
This feeling the loneliness and longing for his touch, feeling his kisses still on my lips, meeting every heartbroken cue step by step, when is this going to be over. If love feels like this when it is over, I do not want to fall in love again. The next few weeks seemed like a blur, a dream of some sort, more like a nightmare.
I became a great actress, putting on a show in front of people. Showing everyone what happened did not affect me. Things did not get easier, only easier to manage. I was trapped in a prison of my own self-doubt and self-loathing. The only thing I was sure about was I had to make myself busy with whatever I could to keep my mind, body and heart from completely shattering. I was lost, confused and trying to find my way back to the person I used to be, before his name ever was on my lips. Funny thing is I already knew the answer to that question. I could never get back to who I was before, because the girl I was before does not exist anymore.
I am and will always be forever changed because of what Jake and I shared together. In the months that followed being in the house became a little easier. My heart still squeezed when I heard our song, but I could get through it without crying. Love is a complicated and messy thing and I now know that. The day Jake walked out of my life, I felt cold and all alone, like my world went dark. I was in that dark place for far to long and I am still working on getting myself to the point I would be opened to love again. Going out with friends started to feel normal, if I convinced myself we just wanted different things in life.
As months soon became a year my life went on as did his. Everyone knows the saying “It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all,” I finally understood this saying. Jake might not have been my last love or even my true love, but he was my first love and my first heartbreak. This experience taught me, to love first ask questions later. Nothing in life is worth fighting for, if you do not have to fight to keep it. That is why I say it was all worth going on this journey through my broken heart.
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