The sky was thinning from black to grey.The ocean had calmed overnight.Its surface was rippling yellow-pink in a triangle announcing the return of el sol.
A few vendors were already setting out their wares.Gulls were throwing a party out on the beach.The occasional car or motorcycle passed.Mostly, I had the pavement to myself.
James was downstairs in one of the red kitchen chairs, dressed in the same t-shirt he was wearing the night before.He glanced up as I entered, his face registering nothing.As I settled into a chair, he retrieved a bowl and spoon from the counter behind him.His face was sallow and baggy-eyed.His sweat smelled of booze.I wondered if he had finished the entire bottle of Scotch that I saw him starting on last night.
I poured myself cereal, and added milk, tamping the urge to check the expiration date.
“I can’t imagine losing a child, and I don’t presume to understand your pain.But wallowing in self-pity, numbing yourself with alcohol, turning your back on life?That’s not you.”
“I thought of keeping a journal.” Spoken with a full mouth.“Like Darwin in the Galápagos.”
“What happened?”
“Can’t draw.”
“I mean, what happened to you?”
James’ spoon rattled as it hit the empty bowl.He snagged a pack of cigarettes from the table, tapped one out, drew matches from the cellophane, and lit up.One drag, then his eyes finally met mine.“You found me.Let’s hoist you on our shoulders and march around the room.”Sarcasm.A common grief reaction.
“Grow a pair, James.Come with me.Do what you do.What we’ve done together for almost two decades.I need you back at work.”
I settled back.Waited.
James gave me a long stare.
“Suit yourself.”I snatched up my cell phone and dropped it in my bag.
“I have to see someone first,” James mumbled.
“No problem.”Now masking pain.Irrational.The thought stung.I hesitated.Did I trust him?What choice did I have?
Doors closed. Doors opened.
“The only thing that is constant is change” is a famous quote by the ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus.
Life is certainly continually changing and evolving. This means that from time to time, things just stop existing. Losing a job, ending a marriage, or moving to another place are examples of changes that many people have experienced. We lose out on something important, a big plan collapses, or we are rejected by someone. The other biggie is losing a loved one.
Another way of expressing this feeling of loss is that a door is being closed. However, the end of one thing is always the beginning of something new. We have the option to stay focused on what is not here anymore (the doors that have been closed) or become aware of the new avenues that unfold. Optimism is about the latter option. It is about also seeing the doors that are being opened. It is about holding a favorable view about the future while considering closing doors and turning them into something beneficial
Am I the only one going through this?
Every day, millions of people are affected by the loss of a loved one.
They remember the precise time, location, and what they were doing when they heard the news and its devastating impact.
While commonplace, often we feel ill equipped to manage our grief and not ready to accept its impact on our lives. Dealing with pain requires work at multiple levels, both psychological and physical, and often requires support (Samuel, 2019).
What Are Grief and Loss?
“Grief is the emotional reaction to a loss, in this case, to death” (Samuel, 2019, p. xvii), and mourning is the process of adjustment to a world without that person.
Grieving is about finding a way to live with a reality that we don’t want, breaking our sense of control over life and forcing us to confront our mortality.We don’t like to lose control, but at times like this, we often feel that our lives are spiraling out of control.
The intensity of our feeling of loss following the death of a loved one can be tied to our degree of attachment and experienced as physical sensations or difficult emotions.
The following physical sensations and perceptual experiences often accompany the grieving process (modified from Worden, 2009):
·Hollowness in the stomach
·Tightness in the throat and chest
·Being oversensitive to noise
·Feelings of unreality
·Shortness of breath
·Muscle weakness and lack of energy
·Dry mouth
Strong emotions typically occur during grief, including (modified from Worden, 2009):
·Sadness Failure to acknowledge and embrace sadness can cause more complicated and prolonged grief.
·Anger A common reaction to loss that leads to many issues during the grieving process.
·Guilt and self-reproach Often regarding something that happened or was neglected at the time of death.
·Anxiety Ranging from feelings of insecurity to panic attacks, sometimes associated with fears of being unable to take care of yourself in the absence of the other person.
·Loneliness The loss of a day-to-day relationship can leave someone feeling all alone. Social support can help but does not remove the sense of a broken attachment.
·Fatigue Feelings of apathy and listlessness are not uncommon following the death of a loved one and may limit behavior and activity.
·Helplessness Survivors can be left feeling vulnerable and helpless, especially when they have young children to look after.
·Shock Sudden death, by its very nature, can cause the survivor to experience shock.
·Yearning Yearning or pining for the loved one is a typical reaction to death, and as it reduces, may indicate the mourning process is coming to an end.
·Emancipation and relief It is not uncommon for a survivor to experience a sense of relief, especially where the deceased was oppressive or was suffering a prolonged illness. While a normal response, it may be accompanied by feelings of guilt.
·Numbness While the previous feelings are common, so too is an absence of emotions, at least initially. With so many feelings to experience and manage, the early stages of grief may be overwhelming and result in a protective numbness.
It is important to note that each person’s experience of grief is different, and while the emotions above are typical of loss, they are not exhaustive.
References: Samuel, J. (2019). Grief works: Stories of life, Death, and surviving. New York: Scribner
Sometimes we have to lose all that we have to find out who we truly are.
Think about the following question for a few minutes and write down your thoughts on a piece of paper:
What would you like your life to look like on the other side of grief? Capture all your thoughts, even just possibilities. Doing this exercise will help you move on with your life by deciding what you want and what the future may look like.
Remember, we all need to be patient with ourselves.As we evolve, small, healthy choices make a big difference in the long run.
No pressure – No diamond
You might feel that the pressure is just too much, but you have a choice and the choice you make ‘today’ will affect your every ‘tomorrow’. How do I know this?I know this because you are unique, you are precious, you are a masterpiece.I don’t have to meet you to know that there are diamonds being formed.The pressure may feel crushing right now, but you can shine.Success can be in your future.What is your decision?
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