Do you tend to stand up for yourself? Are you known for expressing yourself, your opinions and your feelings effectively? If so, you may have mastered the art of assertive communication.
But for many of us, the word “assertive” can have some bad connotations. We may worry about coming across as pushy.
Carrying out assertive communication into your life can help you work through problems, challenges or issues with others, boost your self-esteem and reduce stress when a tough situation arises.
So, how do we become more assertive?
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is communicating your point while respecting each others point of view
“Being assertive is standing up for yourself without retaliation or aggression, Assertiveness is focused on doing what’s appropriate what’s true.
There’s a nice line between being seen as assertive and aggressive. But there’s a key difference.
“Aggressive behavior seeks to control, harm or instill fear,” she. “Assertive behavior is responding — not reacting — to problematic interpersonal situations thoughtfully, and calmly.”
And being assertive is a better way to deal with challenges or concerns instead of acting aggressively.
When we talk about passive aggressive behavior, sometimes, people aren’t aware they’re acting that way,” Dr. Lee further explains. “It’s an emotional defense mechanism. The problem with passive aggressive behavior is how you react. You tend to act in ways that are indirectly designed to hurt versus to resolve problems. And it’s more aggressive and designed to provoke harm in some way.
How to be more assertive
Dr. Lee says there are a several sort of strategies to help someone become more assertive. She shares a simplified version that can work in a many different ways.
And it’s an easy formula to remember:
Problem.
Feeling.
Ask.
When you’re in a situation where you feel you’re not being heard, feel frustrated or are struggling to communicate how you feel assertively.
Take a deep breath
Let’s walk through a situation where you might need to assert yourself. The example: A co-worker reject you in the breakroom. You wonder if you did something to wrong to them.
Start off by taking a deep breath to try to center yourself. By doing so, you’re giving yourself a chance to assess your emotions and how you’re feeling. You may need eight minutes or few days before you’re ready to approach the topic.
Describe your problem
When you’re ready to talk, the next step is to describe your problem.
“You want to stay focused on yourself and stay in your own perspective, Lee. “You want to be careful about making assumptions about another person’s intentions, opinions.”
And this can be done by using “I” statements. Others are less likely to be defensive and are more likely to hear what you’re saying when you use these kinds of statements.
In our example, you might say to your mates: “The other day when we were in the breakroom, I noticed you didn’t say hello when I said hi.”
Explain how you feel
Though it may be hard to express how you feel, this is an important step.
Keep using “I” statements for this step — you don’t want to guess how the other person is feeling or what their intentions and problems are.
“Using ‘I’ statements allows the other person to hear your thoughts and feelings,” rmThose type of statements are hard to argue against.
In our example, you might say to your-co-worker: “I’ve been worried about what may have happened that day and wonder if things are OK between us.”
Make an ask
The last step is to ask a question. It can be as simple as, “Can we talk?”
“Sometimes it’s a request such as, ‘Can we talk about it?’ Or sometimes, it’s a request to do something different.
“Following these steps and ending with a question is an empathic way of approaching problem-solving.
In our example, you might ask your co-worker: “Can we talk about it?” or “Are things OK between us?”
The goal is that you can have a healthy and strong dialogue about how you both feel and come to a solution.
But what do you do if you follow this technique and still have no resolution?
The bottom line?
Learning how to be assertive can be beneficial in many facets of your life — and you’ll be able to troubleshoot issues as they arise.Assertiveness is a way to protect oneself or protect a group — and it’s a very honest, truthful way to approach problems
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Do you tend to stand up for yourself? Are you known for expressing yourself, your opinions and your feelings effectively? If so, you may have mastered the art of assertive communication.
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