We all want our kids to be accepted, included, and make special bond with their peers. While children are still developing their social skills and learning to express their feeling's emotions, they may need some adult guidance on what friendship should look and feel like.
including how to recognize toxic dynamics your child may have with a friend.
When it works, friendship conveys so many benefits to kids, Silverman writes, such as:
building self-esteem
providing support
reducing stress
creating protective social power (against bullying or peer pressure)
supporting happiness and health
The six types of toxic friendship
Unfortunately, childhood friendships can be toxic and harmful just like adult relationships. Silverman describe kids to deal with them.
The Controller is bossy, rude, and gives your child ultimatums. They might say You cant do that or Give it to me or I wont be your friend. Silverman writes, you can help your child counter the Controller by reminding them:
You are the boss of you.
Good friends dont make you do anything.
The Flake cancels plans, leaves your child hanging, breaks promises, or excludes your child from plans. They might say, I forgot to call you back/text/meet up or I didnt get your message. When your child is friends with a flake, remind them of these things:
Being dependable is a crucial part of being a good friend.
We need to be able to trust our friends.
We all mess up once in a while, but perpetually flaking leaves us guessing and uncomfortable.
The Two-Faced Backstabber gossips and talks behind someones back but is nice to them in person. They might say, Tell me what you really think of them, I wont tell them or Did you hear what they were saying about you? As a parent, you want to remind them:
Good friends stand up for you and say kind things about you, whether youre there or not.
When someone is nice to a persons face and then says mean things about that person to you, thats a red flag.
What they do with you, they often do to you.
The User/Taker always asks for favors, but is unavailable to help others. They dump their feelings, but arent a good listener, and can deplete the energy of friends. They say things like, I need your help again, You have to help me, or Can I copy your homework? If your child is friends with a Taker, remind them of these things:
While friendships are not always even, one person shouldnt be doing all the giving or taking.
A friendship isnt about one person.
You shouldnt feel like you are running on empty and never being heard.
The Bully-Friend laughs at your child, mocks them, calls them names, excludes them, teases, or bosses. They might say, Ill hang out with you after school but dont talk to me at school; Youre such a crybaby, I was only joking; Congrats on your award, nerd. Tell your child:
A person who makes you feel unsupported, undervalued, disrespected, and small is not a friend.
You have the right to be around kindhearted people who speak and behave in ways that make you feel uplifted and important and who treat you with dignity.
Supporting kids through toxic friendship phases
Children who behave like one of these toxic friend types are not necessarily intending to be hurtful, Silverman says.
When social skills arent well developed, childrens desire to be part of a group or to play with others may come out as bossiness, not picking up on other kids stop cues (the joke has gone on tooooo long), monopolizing, or not allowing your child to be friends with others. Often this has nothing to do with being malicious but rather about not knowing how best to navigate friendships, she says. You see this a lot in elementary school and of course, into middle school, when body changes, cognitive changes, emotional changes and social changes converge and most kids feel awkward and self-conscious.
If spending time with that friend makes them feel bad or behave in ways they dont want to, it may be time to help your child reevaluate a friendship.
It is also helpful for your child to see you modeling this behavior yourself with your friends and family members when someone isnt treating you respectfully or kindly. And while it may be difficult, we need to also allow our child to speak up for themselves with you, While it can be difficult to hear, if we want our children to be able to stand up for themselves and recommend for themselves, they need to start at home.
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We all want our kids to be accepted, included, and make special bond with their peers. While children are still developing their social skills and learning to express their feeling's emotions, they may need some adult guidance on what friendship should look and feel like.
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