Have you ever looked at your partner during a difficult conversation (or just sitting next to you on the couch) and thought, “When did this get so hard?”

We haven’t drawn clear lines around what kinds of work are good and productive for relationships and what kinds are indicators of abuse or incompatibility.

Walking on Eggshells

When we love someone, most of us make some effort to protect their feelings, emotions and accommodate their moods. We learn the topics, memories, and circumstances that are especially sensitive for them—and we take extra care.
It is an act of caring to understand our partner’s buttons and not push them, or to give them a little extra space and grace when they’re having a bad day.

In research on abusive relationships, survivors describe walking on eggshells as a way to prevent angry outbursts of verbal, physical, and or sexual abuse. Unfortunately.

White Knuckling

Some couples are in a constant space of asses “Is this working? Should I leave? Can we fix what is broken here? Should we even try?” This is another type of work to be cautious about.

Studies find that for dating couples, desperately trying to stay together or breaking up and getting back together over and over tends to be a sign that you just aren’t compatible.

Holding onto a relationship that isn’t working can keep you from finding someone who fits your needs better or pursuing your own goals outside of a relationship. While breaking up takes both conviction and skills, it is sometimes the best option.

It’s important to note that children actually have worse outcomes living with parents who are constantly in conflict (whether they see it or not) than they do when parents can peacefully go their separate ways.

If it’s not working and not getting better, consider how you might leave the romantic part of the relationship behind and co-parent with that person.

Trying to Be the Best Version of Yourself

So, what work should you be doing? Within our relationships, we have hundreds of minimal opportunities each day to engage our partners with a little kindness, grace, humor, playfulness, and understanding. Can we always do this?

For example, we can choose not to blame our partners or take our negative feelings about work, school, kids, or friends out on them. We can talk about those stressors with our partners without being short-tempered, snarky, or grumpy at them. It takes work to strike this balance.

Note that politeness comes in lots of different forms. In my house growing up, courtesy meant never, ever drinking the last Coke in the fridge—not being prim and proper every minute of the day.

Every couple has conflict, but what distinguishes the best relationships is the ability to see the core problem and work through it together. This takes a lot of effort and hardwork. Our first impulse might be to get annoyed or retreat, but approaching a conflict or problem as a team is important work.

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Stanley Hammond

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