Toxic people often use subtle methods of control and manipulation in relationships. With mothers-in-law, this toxicity may or may not be noticeable to others (particularly their own child). However, their behavior can be very negative and invalidating, sometimes resulting in low self-esteem, anxiety, and even depression. Still, there are effective techniques to deal with toxic mothers-in-law in order to help make your life a bit easier.
Marriage not only consists of you and your partner but your partner’s family too. Therefore, it is important to get along with your in-laws. However, for some, there may be an unfortunate instance where their mother-in-law makes it difficult for their relationship to flourish. So, how do you know that you have a toxic mother-in-law?
Here are a few traits of a toxic mother-in-law as explained by psychotherapist Dr Susan Forward, published by the online relationship and lifestyle publication Marriage.
Invasive in your marriage
A mother-in-law may try to stick her nose into the couple’s business or want to hear gossip about their marriage so that she can pass information on to her social circle.
Ignores boundaries
It is important to tell your partner to step in when their mother makes it a habit of ignoring boundaries. Once there is a conversation concerning the issue, the mother-in-law might still cross the line, as toxic people don’t know how else to function. Put your foot down – respectfully – and be strict on enforcing those boundaries.
Secretly harbours jealousy
A toxic mother-in-law can harbour jealousy towards their child’s spouse. This can be for several reasons, for example, the mother-in-law may feel that the in-law does something better than them. It is up to the couple to ensure they still have a relationship and know that it is not their fault.
Two-faced
If a mother-in-law, for example, tells their in-law to their face that they look nice but does a complete 180 by telling their child that their in-law looks hideous, this is a definite sign of toxicity.
igns of One
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Toxic Mother-in-Laws: 12 Signs & How to Deal With One
Written by: Tricia Johnson, LCSW
Reviewed by: Meera Patel, DO
Published: December 27, 2022
Toxic people often use subtle methods of control and manipulation in relationships. With mothers-in-law, this toxicity may or may not be noticeable to others (particularly their own child). However, their behavior can be very negative and invalidating, sometimes resulting in low self-esteem, anxiety, and even depression. Still, there are effective techniques to deal with toxic mothers-in-law in order to help make your life a bit easier.
Would you like to try therapy? BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.
Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp
Visit BetterHelp
What Is a Toxic Mother-in-Law?
In any toxic relationship, the individuals involved struggle to communicate with one another in a positive way. With toxic mother-in-laws, there is typically a repeated pattern of negativity from her towards other family members. This may be exhibited in the form of control, manipulation, or abusive behavior. Her actions are sometimes intentional, but may also stem from behaviors learned from her own family of origin.
12 Signs of a Toxic Mother-in-Law
A toxic mother-in-law differs from a toxic mother because the primary target in the family system is typically their son or daughter-in-law. Regardless, everyone suffers and often all parties end up with hurt feelings. Toxic mothers-in-laws frequently behave in ways that are emotionally exhausting. .
Below are 12 signs of a toxic mother-in-law:
1. She Doesn’t Respect Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is a way to ensure that we feel both comfortable and safe in a relationship, as well as communicate our expectations.6 Unfortunately, toxic mothers-in-law often disregard boundaries by encouraging your spouse to keep secrets from you, showing up at your house unannounced, and questioning your parenting style. Poor boundaries with a mother-in-law can cause chaos and disrupt a marital relationship.
2. She Thinks She’s Always Right
A toxic mother-in-law is usually going to have an opinion on how to raise children, take care of the house, and cook. Also, she may believe she is the most knowledgeable about what her child needs from a spouse–and guess what, you’ll more than likely never fit the bill.
One manipulation tactic of a toxic mother-in-law is inserting herself into her child’s relationship to turn them against each other. This type of behavior is called triangulation and causes interpersonal conflict between the couple, sometimes resulting in confusion and jealousy.
3. She’s A Master Manipulator
Your mother-in-law may be savvy and may not have always seemed toxic. In the beginning, she may have pretended to foster a connection with you. However, you eventually started to see a different side of her. She started to use more overt methods to meet her needs, specifically by instilling fear, guilt, or obligation in the family.5 Some common manipulation examples include using the silent treatment, gaslighting, or offering to do favors with strings attached. Emotional manipulators often behave this way because they lack the skills to communicate directly.
4. She’s Emotionally Abusive
Emotionally abusive behavior includes non-physical actions that are meant to exert control over a person by instilling fear or isolation.3 It may be subtle, but can slowly erode a person’s self-esteem. You may think that emotional abuse only occurs within a nuclear family, but any time communication between people is disrespectful or manipulative, emotional abuse is likely at play.
5. She’s Passive Aggressive
Passive-aggressive behavior involves indirectly expressing one’s negative feelings, rather than openly communicating them.3 With a toxic mother-in-law, this passive-aggressive communication and behavior may be evident if she agrees to come over for a family meal, but then picks at her food and refuses to eat. Furthermore, other examples may include lateness, avoidance, weaponized kindness, sarcasm, and subliminal insults.3 These are all techniques she can use to express her feelings, without needing to do so directly.
6. She’s a One-Upper
A one-upper is someone who always wants to top your accomplishments or make you feel inferior. With a toxic mother-in-law, she will see her relationship with you as a competition and will say and do anything to “win.” One-uppers hate to feel “less than” and will make every effort to overshadow others. This behavior is often used to mask low self-esteem and ease feelings of jealousy (if only for a short period of time.)
7. She’s a Gossip
Toxic mothers-in-law are known to gossip, but not just with the ladies at the mahjong table. They gossip about YOU with anyone and everyone who will listen, including other family members. This may be her method of trying to spread her version of you as truth, and once again manipulate a situation.
12 Signs of One
Find a therapist (enter your state)Search
Toxic Mother-in-Laws: 12 Signs & How to Deal With One
Written by: Tricia Johnson, LCSW
Reviewed by: Meera Patel, DO
Published: December 27, 2022
Toxic people often use subtle methods of control and manipulation in relationships. With mothers-in-law, this toxicity may or may not be noticeable to others (particularly their own child). However, their behavior can be very negative and invalidating, sometimes resulting in low self-esteem, anxiety, and even depression. Still, there are effective techniques to deal with toxic mothers-in-law in order to help make your life a bit easier.
Would you like to try therapy? BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.
Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp
Visit BetterHelp
What Is a Toxic Mother-in-Law?
In any toxic relationship, the individuals involved struggle to communicate with one another in a positive way. With toxic mother-in-laws, there is typically a repeated pattern of negativity from her towards other family members. This may be exhibited in the form of control, manipulation, or abusive behavior. Her actions are sometimes intentional, but may also stem from behaviors learned from her own family of origin.
12 Signs of a Toxic Mother-in-Law
A toxic mother-in-law differs from a toxic mother because the primary target in the family system is typically their son or daughter-in-law. Regardless, everyone suffers and often all parties end up with hurt feelings. Toxic mothers-in-laws frequently behave in ways that are emotionally exhausting. .
Below are 12 signs of a toxic mother-in-law:
1. She Doesn’t Respect Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is a way to ensure that we feel both comfortable and safe in a relationship, as well as communicate our expectations.6 Unfortunately, toxic mothers-in-law often disregard boundaries by encouraging your spouse to keep secrets from you, showing up at your house unannounced, and questioning your parenting style. Poor boundaries with a mother-in-law can cause chaos and disrupt a marital relationship.
2. She Thinks She’s Always Right
A toxic mother-in-law is usually going to have an opinion on how to raise children, take care of the house, and cook. Also, she may believe she is the most knowledgeable about what her child needs from a spouse–and guess what, you’ll more than likely never fit the bill.
One manipulation tactic of a toxic mother-in-law is inserting herself into her child’s relationship to turn them against each other. This type of behavior is called triangulation and causes interpersonal conflict between the couple, sometimes resulting in confusion and jealousy.
3. She’s A Master Manipulator
Your mother-in-law may be savvy and may not have always seemed toxic. In the beginning, she may have pretended to foster a connection with you. However, you eventually started to see a different side of her. She started to use more overt methods to meet her needs, specifically by instilling fear, guilt, or obligation in the family.5 Some common manipulation examples include using the silent treatment, gaslighting, or offering to do favors with strings attached. Emotional manipulators often behave this way because they lack the skills to communicate directly.
4. She’s Emotionally Abusive
Emotionally abusive behavior includes non-physical actions that are meant to exert control over a person by instilling fear or isolation.3 It may be subtle, but can slowly erode a person’s self-esteem. You may think that emotional abuse only occurs within a nuclear family, but any time communication between people is disrespectful or manipulative, emotional abuse is likely at play.
5. She’s Passive Aggressive
Passive-aggressive behavior involves indirectly expressing one’s negative feelings, rather than openly communicating them.3 With a toxic mother-in-law, this passive-aggressive communication and behavior may be evident if she agrees to come over for a family meal, but then picks at her food and refuses to eat. Furthermore, other examples may include lateness, avoidance, weaponized kindness, sarcasm, and subliminal insults.3 These are all techniques she can use to express her feelings, without needing to do so directly.
6. She’s a One-Upper
A one-upper is someone who always wants to top your accomplishments or make you feel inferior. With a toxic mother-in-law, she will see her relationship with you as a competition and will say and do anything to “win.” One-uppers hate to feel “less than” and will make every effort to overshadow others. This behavior is often used to mask low self-esteem and ease feelings of jealousy (if only for a short period of time.)
7. She’s a Gossip
Toxic mothers-in-law are known to gossip, but not just with the ladies at the mahjong table. They gossip about YOU with anyone and everyone who will listen, including other family members. This may be her method of trying to spread her version of you as truth, and once again manipulate a situation.
8. She’s Impossible to Please
With a toxic mother-in-law, nothing you do is ever good enough. She may visit your house and offer subtle, unrequested comments about how she keeps her cabinets organized. Or, she may offer to give you her foolproof technique on how to wrap picture perfect holiday gifts. Although these suggestions may at first glance seem thoughtful, coming from a toxic mother-in-law, they are actually invasive and judgmental.
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