Jim has been a divorce lawyer for over 20 years, handling thousands of divorce cases in that time. With his extensive experience, he has a unique vantage point on marriage, relationships, and why so many end in divorce.
Jim believes the institution of marriage is flawed and outdated. It was created thousands of years ago in a very different context, when life expectancy was far lower and gender roles more rigid. In modern society, he feels marriage sets unrealistic expectations that most relationships simply can't meet. We now expect our spouse to be our soulmate, best friend, co-parent, roommate, activity partner, etc. These heaping expectations create inevitable disappointments.
Additionally, Jim thinks marriage has become an "endurance event" focused on staying together at all costs, even if one is miserable. He thinks too many stick it out for the kids, finances, or societal expectations. In his view, the goal should be staying happily married, not just married. If that's not attainable after honest effort, people shouldn't feel trapped.
Jim sees social media and technology as big villains in modern marriage. Social media fuels jealousy and unrealistic comparisons, as we view curated "highlights reels" of everyone else's lives. And technology provides limitless opportunities for emotional and physical affairs. He believes these factors make fidelity and satisfaction nearly impossible for many couples to maintain.
In Jim's experience, many marriages fail due to "death by a thousand cuts." Couples slowly grow apart through small hurts, indifference, neglected needs, crowded schedules, poor communication, etc. By the time they land in his office, resentment and anger have snowballed to the point they want to destroy each other. He thinks more maintenance and preventative care could save marriages on the brink. Simple gestures to show love and appreciation can go a long way.
Jim has found men have a particularly hard time in modern divorce. Despite evolving gender roles, biases persist against men as more neglectful and unfit parents. Courts still favour mothers for custody, and society is less sympathetic to men's suffering in divorce. Additionally, Jim sees men often get taken advantage of financially as higher-earning partners. They can lose half their assets even if acquired before marriage.
Jim is a staunch advocate of prenuptial agreements, which most couples unfortunately still shun. He thinks mature couples should be able to have pragmatic conversations about worst-case scenarios. Prenups provide financial and asset protection for both parties in case of divorce. And the process of creating one surfaces conversations couples should be having anyway. If you can't candidly discuss money, expectations, values, and more with your intended spouse, that's a red flag you may not be ready for marriage.
Despite his frequent disillusionment with marriage, Jim remains a romantic at heart. He still tears up at weddings, hoping couples will beat the odds even though he knows most won't. He thinks true lifelong love does exist for some lucky few. But he cautions marriage shouldn't be idealized or rushed into blindly. Partners should be honest about challenges, temper expectations, and not take each other for granted. They should nurture intimacy, communicate clearly, and prioritize each other's happiness.
With divorce rates holding steady at 50%, it's clear major societal shifts are needed. Jim thinks younger generations are already re-examining the conventions around marriage and lifelong monogamy. He predicts we'll see more unconventional arrangements, from open marriages to committed cohabitation, that allow for greater flexibility, freedom and honesty. But he believes more couples will also double down on traditional marital values, as we gravitate toward extremes.
Whatever the future holds, Jim believes better education around marriage is badly needed. Requirements could include counselling, workshops or classes for engaged couples. Topics could cover conflict resolution, intimacy, managing expectations, finances, parenting, communication skills and more. Jim thinks couples are naïve and utterly unprepared for the realities of married life. With more wisdom going in, he hopes more couples could avoid finding themselves in his office one day with nowhere left to turn but divorce.
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