The church has asked for your ten percent. There are the year end accounts to reconcile and requests on what to give in upcoming events, chances to volunteer to help the cause. The pessimist in me recounts the times in which I said I would give, even if only to myself, and came up short or lacking, missing a deadline or wanting another edit to the timeline so I could make room for the unrequited time. My ledger of lost opportunity looms above me like a ghost visiting my bedroom on Christmas Eve.
“Look at the things that you take with you.” it says to me. “Look at how this chain weighs guilt upon your lost potential.”
This is where the therapy contains gaps that need be filled. The religious fervor is only for the fervent which sadly is not me. I prefer to come to church sometimes only to sit among the silence of the people. Only then can I hear their stories. I join the singing when the spirit hits and the sunlight pours in through the stained glass. The beauty of the faithful is awesome to behold, but the discipline of religion is not something I have ever continued or maintained. Imperfect as the practice, I point out faults more easily than successes, my own as well as in the process.
For those of us that come here, using this platform as treatment, those of us with substance problems, or mental health issues, or both, in various stages of recovery and grief; a year of planning is just a plan. The day can be so damn long. The tasks in front of us, easy some weeks ago, can crush us in the mental preparations. That ghost can stay into the morning hours and be my sole partner, friend and administrator for the day, whereas I curl into my covers and shiver for different reasons. Committing to the work is a break from my current day to day. The year 2024 is perpetuity.
But that’s why they send you to Anonymous, to work that day to day into a discipline and eventually a habit. That religion where I submit to a higher power drives me nuts and I reject it. Instead I will submit my writing and learn that there is power in that submission. That is why I will contribute to Vocal+. I control what I do and what I write and I will make it good. This community deserves quality however brief and I will aspire to it.
So with this New Year, this restart, this Juno two sided new day - looking back on all the crap I wrote and did not submit for public view, then looking ahead to what I will hopefully achieve when in a more optimistic mindset; I commit my tithe - my ten percent. The ideas I started last year now left undone and those that I finished but did not show to the community out of fear or over-thinking self criticism, I will flush out and work at this discipline of publicly viewed writing. Sharing what I write is an important step to acceptance whether by me or my peers even if just a fraction of what I muster. On this I will try to be better. On this hope for a habit that does not reduce me to a shaken mess unable to lift the bed sheets, I will continue working on my day to day. The next step, just one step. One out of many and then, with hope and confidence, one more than that.
Thank you Vocal Team and Vocal Community for providing and encouraging this platform. It helps more than you know.
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