Everyone in my house got sick this week. I feel like my step-father got one sickness and my daughter got another sickness just at the same time. She gave me her sickness, of course. So the past few days I have felt really worn down. I keep going, as that is what I do, though I can also feel that I am not at my best. I'm just pushing through, getting by with the help of energy drinks. I'm not sure if it is me feeling sick that has fueled my depression, or maybe I am just depressed. I feel like I have no one in my corner, no one that is proud of me, no one that is really there for me. I wish I had no person that I could talk to, one person that really cared, no one person that believed in me. When no one believes in you, that is a very lonely feeling. I have been trying to feel proud of myself, focusing on my own strength. Not looking to someone else to be in my corner, so that I can be the only one I need in my corner. When you are feeling sick, and just run down, that is a hard thing to do. So I am hoping that when I am feeling better I will be able to be more productive, and focus on trying to make myself proud. I already have such a uphill battle to feeling proud of myself, that feel sick is just too much for me to handle.
I have an uphill battle because I really have no one that sees things the same way that I do. Which is a lonely place to be in. No one is trying to make their lives better in my family. This might seem like a mean thing to say, but I feel like most people in my family are just waiting around to die. No one has goals, no one has dreams, no one is trying to make their lives better in any way. The concept that you can have a better life seems like a crazy thought to them. They are just trying to get by the day. I want to understand as I know that most people in my family are not healthy people. However, it doesn't mean that there isn't hope, that they couldn't get better if they try. I am trying to not let it rub off on me. That is a hard thing as I live with most of them. I wish I could be around people that were trying to reach goals, that wanted their lives to be better. What do you do when no one in your life thinks that way? How do you find people that are trying to make their lives better?
I want to have big goals for my life. I want to accomplish so many things. It's hard when you don't have anyone that is proud of you. I am the first person in my immediate family that has ever gone to college. So you would think that it would be a big deal in my family. Something to be proud of. However, I feel like people in my life just don't get it. There is a part of me that wants to build this big and grand life. So that I can show people all that can be accomplished if you just try. Proving people wrong can be a big motivator to your life.
As I finish college for the semester, I am looking into what I am going to do next. Here is the thing, I don't want to go back to working for someone else. I want to have an income for myself. To be able to working from home, make a lot of money. The most important thing for me is to be able to be with my daughter. I don't want to miss these years of her life. My fear is that it is hard to do this in Canada. In other places in the world, it is easier to make this possible. Hard to do here, but not impossible. Most people that give information about working from home are not in Canada. So finding the information is harder due to where I live. Again just harder.
Sometimes you have to be the light. That is a hard role to play. Sometimes you need to be the one to show people that there is a better way for them to see that it's possible.
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