My feelings were so out of control that self-harm seemed like the only answer. It was also the answer to emptiness that plagued me when I didn’t know how to cope. Pain was better than nothing.
I did not know how to cope with my emotions.
My feelings would get out of control if I was criticized. I believed, unconsciously, that if someone didn’t like me or was angry around me, it meant I was a terrible person. Which made me a screaming mess while crying and defending myself.
I was overwhelmed all the time.
Reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris changed my life.
This took two years of practice before it became a reliable source of comfort. I can finally say my emotions don’t control or overwhelm me. Nor do I push them away until I’m numb.
Because I learned to Drop Anchor.
Dropping Anchor is a technique within Acceptance and Commitment therapy. It allows you to give space to your feelings. And it allows you to be calm while having a big emotion.
I used to believe my emptiness would swallow me, or my hurt would drown me.
They actually won’t get any bigger than you are. If you allow them. If you don’t believe me, try it out.
Accept Your Emotions
In most self-help and therapy models, mindfulness is the first step.
If you don’t notice your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, you can’t change yourself.
So is true in Dropping Anchor.
Feelings actually come after a thought, but it happens so fast we don’t notice. We notice the feeling first as a body sensation. So check in with your body. Then you can give it a label by using a feeling wheel or the How We Feel app or just whatever comes to mind.
Then just breathe. Allow the feeling space inside you. Notice the ebb and flow through your body. Notice calm parts of your body and the storm.
Isn’t that better than screaming while the emotion smothers you?
Come Into Your Body
Where is your body in the world?
What do you feel?
If you feel nothing, scrunch your toes or hands, squeeze your thighs, or stretch your arms out.
Hello, welcome to the world.
Engage with the world
Spend the next few minutes engaged in the world.
If the emotion has a stranglehold on you, then you can play the senses game. Name 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 2 think you taste.
If you are feeling okay, you can engage in whatever task is next. But so mindfully.
I like to play the sloth game when I’m feeling sad. This is from Kristen at the Centered Life. The sloth game is just moving as slow as possible, your eyes only partially open if you like. Like really go as slow as you can. Moving as if you are in water, slow and deliberate.
Grounds you in the moment.
Cycling Through the Steps
If you need to, you can move through the steps fast or slow. You can repeat as many times as you need. Whenever you need.
This has seriously changed my life. When I feel any big emotion that makes me want to scream or cry. I can just drop my anchor. Now, instead of being a ship in a hurricane, I become tethered to the moment.
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