Barry & Gary were a couple of absolute spanners! Dumb as rocks those two blokes were, they became a laughing stock in London, nobody took them seriously. Not even your old gran would be threatened by their pathetic attempts at threats, they looked as dim-witted as they appeared too. Both of whom were balding and pudgy, looking like aged bulldogs that do nothing but grumble, sleep and shit all day long. If they didn't look so bloody hilarious, they might've been shot in the head, both of them, long before this story. Gangsters kept the two spanners alive, just to point and laugh at them, I suppose. Barry & Gary were "wannabe thugs", who often preyed on teenagers instead of grown men like themselves, yet they would still get battered by the rowdy chavs more often than not. Whenever the police were knocking about, they'd both shit themselves and leg it, like a couple of rats! The two men were cousins who grew up in the nicer part of Essex, but always wanted to appear tough and rough, putting on fake cockney accents and walking with their arms stretched out, looking like your mam carrying the shopping bags home. This went on for years, trying to appear like the hardest men in London, only to fail every time. So, of course they got desperate. Started bars fights and always lost, began pick pocketing and always got caught. Always ran whenever a knife was pulled out on them or something. They decided to rob a barbers one day, that's right. Not a bank, not a shop, not even a restaurant, a barbers. It was a start I guess, how hard could that be? They often visited the same place to get their haircut, so nobody expected them to try and rob the place. They entered on a Saturday morning at 9AM.
"Hello lads!" The Scouse woman who ran the barbers said, welcoming them with a smile, "come to get your heads polished have ya?!" She laughed.
"That's right, lav." Barry said, in his fake accent. Then they both actually sat down and waited to get their haircuts! How stupid they were, doing that, unmasked right in front of the cameras watching them too. Barry got his head shaved first and paid for it, then after Gary got his cut he walked to the till.
"That'll be £4, lovely." The woman smiled brightly.
"Not happening, love!" Gary sneered, "I'm having that!" He tried to open the cash register.
"What you doing, you wanker?!" The woman screamed.
"Shut it!" Barry sucker punched her.
"Oi!" One of the men waiting to get his haircut in the barbers yelled, standing to his feet, "what you think you're doin' ya bunch a puffs!"
"We're the hardest men in Londan!" Gary replied in that terrible fake accent of his.
"Shut ya fuckin' mouth, you mug!" The man replied, smacking Gary halfway across the barbers.
"Gary!" Barry cried, sounding suddenly posh. He turned to help his cousin, only to get a pair of barber scissors stabbed into his upper back, "why?!" He screamed in agony, turning to see the Scouse woman with a bruised eye, her hand pulling away from the scissors she just inserted.
"You dare come in here!" She kicked his shin.
"Ow!" Barry whined, cowering away from her.
"And try and rob my barbers!" She smacked him across the gob, Barry began crying then, with Gary slowly rising from the ground, looking like some scared kitten.
"Get the fuck outta here!" The man who punched him roared.
"All right!" Barry and Gary replied in unison, "we're off!" And they legged it, running away like they always did.
Now the reason this (attempted) robbery of the barbers is important, is because Barry and Gary soon got identified sometime after they fled the shop. Surveillance footage had a good long look at their faces and to make things even easier; there were CCTV cameras all over the city nearby the barbers, that made it a doddle for police to track down the two spanners back to their big house in Essex. It was clear to anyone, that they didn't even need the money from the barber shop, they were just attempting to rob it, just to look 'hard'. Ultimately they both looked soft, especially when police visited to arrest them both. Barry and Gary cried like babies begging the police to let them go, that it was "just a misunderstanding", etc, etc. Now they could afford a very expensive lawyer, one who was wise, charismatic and very, very careful. He got them off with a generous assault charge, one that meant they only had to work 100 hours community service or pay a £1,000 fine. Of course they had the money to buy themselves out of trouble and were fully going to, that was until news got out that they would be too cowardly to do the work and just buy themselves out. Barry and Gary knew they didn't want to look soft, so they accepted the former punishment and got to work. It was pathetic. Those who were there during the community service they were made to do, would tell you that the two of them couldn't lift a stone between them. They quickly ran out of breath, whined and cried constantly. It was truly laughable. They did such an awful job, that everyone else had to wait around for them to finish each task. Those 100 hours over the course of a month, were the hardest those two cousins had ever worked. They looked undead by the time it was over.
Nobody has ever heard of the two cousins since this humiliating story, some say they quit acting like gangsters altogether. Others say they pissed off the wrong criminal, someone who didn't find them funny, but instead an annoyance that had to be dealt with. Whatever the case may be, the tale of Two Spanners is one many Londoners still laugh about to this very day, over a nice cold pint in the local pub.
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