There’s a void in my life.
I awoke to the feeling that something was wrong.
My eyes whipped to the clock. Eight fifteen. I’d slept through my alarm. I never do that.
I shot out of bed, threw on clothes, no shower. Pulled my hair into a pony and brushed my teeth. Thundered down the stairs.
“Why didn’t you wake me?” I hollered.
James used to never tire of teasing me. Today he said nothing. His skin looked grey and a dark half-moon sculpted each lower lid.
Congealed blood marked a spot on James’ chin that he’d nicked while shaving. I wondered if he’d slept. If so, I guess he dreamed of an Anna-shaped void now forever in his life.
The Contradictions of Grief
Grief is characterized by a contradiction.
On one hand, it is a complex and painful maelstrom of thoughts and emotions triggered by the loss of someone precious to an individual.
On the other hand, it is a natural and positive healing process that plays an essential role in helping us work through and let go of the often unavoidable trauma of loss.
How do how resolve this contradiction and understand that while grief is challenging and complex, it is ultimately straightforward to understand and navigate?
Lloss comes in many forms, and grief can also be experienced following the loss of a relationship, a job, faith, significant material assets, and so on.
It’s appropriate that the word ‘grief’ has its roots in the Latin ‘gravis,’ which roughly translates to ‘a heavy burden.’ Grief emerges from the heavy burden of emotions triggered by the loss (Dunne, 2004).
It’s important to bear in mind that grief is not a clinical condition. Do not alienate the people you come into contact with when they are already feeling isolated. This will only make them withdraw or feel shame about disclosing experiences that are completely healthy.
Everyone is likely to experience grief during their lifetime. Grief can also present differently between individuals. Your experience will be shaped by your personal expectations and beliefs about the nature of grief, which are themselves shaped by the unique combination of your personality, faith, culture, and life history.
With that in mind, several symptoms that are common among grieving individuals can also characterize grief. We can group these symptoms into five different categories: physical, cognitive, emotional, interpersonal, and lifestyle (Stroebe & Schut, 1998).
Physical symptoms
These are symptoms that have a physiological effect on the grieving individual. They resemble the physical symptoms of depression and include loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, fatigue and loss of energy, physical pains (which may be psychosomatic), and a suppressed immune system. More acute physical symptoms may be episodes of weeping, wailing, or intense physical agitation.
Cognitive symptoms
Grief can also influence how you think and perceive your world. For example, you might feel a sense of dissociation and distance from reality, linked to feelings of disbelief concerning the loss. You may also experience confusion, poor memory, and lack of focus.
Emotional symptoms
The most typical symptom of grief is negative emotion. The spectrum of possible emotions can be diverse, including depression, guilt, anger, hostility, anxiety, despair, hopelessness, and feelings of isolation. These emotions rarely occur simultaneously and may appear in connected but distinct phases.
Interpersonal symptoms
The effects of grief can spill over into your relationships with others. For example, grief is often accompanied by social withdrawal and feelings of distance or resentment toward relationships that may have been healthy before.
Lifestyle symptoms
Finally, symptoms of grief can also be observed in lifestyle changes, such as failing to perform daily routines and self-care and resigning from activities that you previously found stimulating.
The role of anger while grieving
It may surprise you to see anger mentioned as one of the possible symptoms of grief. Anger is essentially our brain protesting against something we are experiencing that is perceived as unjust and frustrating.
When grieving, you are beset by a number of confusing and stressful experiences caused by a loss that is often perceived as unfair and frustratingly uncontrollable. In this sense, anger and grief go hand in hand, as anger provides a way of expressing the powerlessness and despair experienced by yourself in this traumatic part of your life. (Rueth & Hall, 1999).
The consequence of this is that it may seem as though you are hostile or bitter towards people around you or towards yourself. It is important to look past this and recognize that anger may be a necessary expression of the deeper psychological stress of grief.
So… How does that make you feel?
Can you recall a really good conversation you’ve had?
What was memorable about it?
Was it the topic, the words, or just a feeling it left you with?
Maya Angelou said,
“People will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
As much as you know that you are worth an investment of time, let other people feel that your time invested in them is worthwhile. After all, YOU are a MASTERPIECE!
Today, I encourage you to treat others, especially those experiencing traumatic grief, as you yourself would be treated.
Speak to you soon!
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