Your Teenager and Touch
When your child reaches the teen years, it is important that you show your love in positive ways and also at the right times and places. Mothers should never hug a son in the presence of his peers. He is seeking to develop his own independent identity, and such behavior embarrasses him; it will also likely make him the brunt of jokes later on. However, at the end of the day, in the privacy of the home after the son has had a grueling football practice, his mother’s hug may indeed be received as an expression of love.
Some fathers withdraw from hugging and kissing their teenage daughters, feeling that it is inappropriate at this stage.
In fact, just the opposite is true. A teenage girl needs the hugs and kisses of her father; and if he withdraws, she will likely seek physical touch from another male and often in an unwholesome manner. But here again, time and place are important. Unless a girl initiates a hug in public, it is well to refrain. But at home, you can take the initiative.
Teenagers find hugs and other forms of loving touch especially helpful when they are going through a difficult time or struggling with an impossible project at school. And don’t forget, physical touch from the same-sex parent is also important. Fathers hugging sons and mothers hugging daughters are appropriate at every stage of our children’s development. A son needs his father’s loving touch as well as his mother’s, and a daughter needs an adequate supply of loving expression from her mother as well as from her father. If you look for ways to show loving touch to your teenage children, you will find them. For instance, when they come home sore after a practice in their favorite sport, you can offer to rub the stiffness out of their muscles. Or, after they have been intensely studying for some hours, you might massage their sore necks and offer some relaxation as well as a loving touch. And many children like to have their backs scratched,
even after they are grown and living away from home.
You don’t want to force physical touch on a teenager.
However, you don’t want to force physical touch on a teenager. If he pulls away from your embrace or jumps back when you touch his shoulder, don’t pursue it. For some reason your child doesn’t wish to be touched at this time. The reason might have nothing to do with you or might be related to another aspect of your relationship. Teenagers are filled with emotions, thoughts, and desires, and sometimes they just don’t want to be touched. You need to honor their feelings,
whether they are expressed in words or by actions. However, if they consistently refuse your touch, you then need to make a time to talk with them about the reasons for this.
Remember, you are a role model for your children; they will be watching the way you practice physical touch. One way you can tell if they are following your example is to watch their use of physical touch. It is wonderful to see your children using this love language effectively in relating to others.
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