words of affirmation “Does my father love me? Yes, because when I play ball,
he always cheers, and after the game he tells me, ‘Thanks for playing hard.’ He says that the main thing is not to win but to do my best.” Sam, age fourteen, continued. “Sometimes I make mistakes,
but he tells me not to worry. He says I’ll do better if I keep on doing my best.” In communicating love, words are powerful. Words of affection and endearment, words of praise and encouragement,
words that give positive guidance all say, “I care about you.” Such words are like a gentle, warm rain falling on the soul; they nurture the child’s inner sense of worth and security. Even though such words are quickly said, they are not soon forgotten. A child reaps the benefits of affirming words for a lifetime. Conversely, cutting words, spoken out of short-lived frustration, can hurt a child’s self-esteem and cast doubts about his abilities. Children think we deeply believe what we say. The ancient Hebrew proverb did not overstate the reality:
“The tongue has the power of life and death.”1 The second love language is words of affirmation. Some children feel their greatest sense of love in expressions that affirm them. These expressions need not be the words “I love you,” as we will see.
Understanding “I Love You” Long before they can understand the meanings of words,
children receive emotional messages. The tone of voice, the gentleness of mood, the sense of caring all communicate emotional warmth and love. All parents talk to their infants, and what the babies understand is the look on the face and the affectionate sounds, combined with physical closeness.
Because young children grow gradually in their ability to use words and concepts, they will not always know what we mean by our words, even when we say, “I love you.” Love is an abstract concept. They can’t see love as they can see a toy or a book. Because children tend to think concretely, we need to help them understand what we mean when we express our love.
The words “I love you” take on greater meaning when the child can associate them with your affectionate feelings, and often this means physical closeness. For instance, when you are reading to a child at bedtime, holding your little one close, at a point in the story where the child’s feelings are warm and loving, you can softly say, “I love you, Honey.” Because children tend to think concretely, we need to help them understand what we mean when we express our love.
Once your child begins to understand what your “I love you” means, you can use these words in different ways and times, so that they become connected to regular events, such as sending a child off to play or to school. Also, you can combine your words of love with genuine praise for something about your child. Kathleen, now a mother of two, says, “I remember how my mother used to talk about my beautiful red hair. Her positive comments as she combed my hair before school have been a constant part of my self-perception. Years later when I discovered that we redheads are in the minority, I never had negative feelings about my red hair. I’m sure my mother’s loving comments had a lot to do with that. ”
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