The Right Kind of Praise Praise and affection are often combined in the messages we give to a child. We need to distinguish the two. Affection and love mean expressing appreciation for the very being of a child, for those characteristics and abilities that are part of the total package of the person. In contrast, we express praise for what the child does, either in achievements or behavior or conscious attitudes. Praise, as we are using it here, is for something over which the child has a degree of control.
Because you want words of praise to be genuinely meaningful to your child, you need to be careful about what you say. If you use praise too frequently, your words will have little positive effect. For example, you may say something like,
“You are a good girl.” Those are wonderful words, but you need to be wise in using them. It is more effective to say this when the child has done something for which she feels good and would expect a compliment. This is especially true with specific compliments such as, “Great catch!” when it was just an average catch. Children know when praise is given for justified reasons and when it is given simply to make them feel good, and they may interpret the latter as insincere. If you use praise too frequently, your words will have little positive effect.
Frequent random praise is risky for another reason. Some children become so accustomed to this type of praise that they assume it is natural and they come to expect it. When they are in situations where such praise is not given, they assume something is wrong with them and they become anxious. When they see other children who do not receive such bolstering,
they can wonder why they feel such excessive need of praise.
Of course, we want to praise children we care about, but we want to make sure that the praise is both true and justified.
Otherwise they may regard it as flattery, which they can equate with lying.
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