Right Message, Wrong Manner Encouraging words are most effective when they are focused on a specific effort your child has made. The goal is to catch your child doing something good and then commend him for it.
Yes, this takes far more effort than catching your child doing something wrong and then condemning him for it, but the end result is worth it: direction that guides your child in his moral and ethical development.
Children need guidance. They learn to speak by being exposed to a particular language. They learn how to behave by living in a certain kind of society. In most cultures, parents have the primary responsibility for socializing children. This involves not only the social dos and don’ts but also their ethical and moral development.
All children are guided by someone. If you as their parents are not their primary guides, then other influences and individuals assume that role—school, media, the culture, other adults, or peers who are getting their guidance from someone else. Ask yourself this question: Are my children receiving positive and loving guidance? Loving guidance always has a child’s best interests in mind. Its purpose is not to make parents and other adults look good; its purpose is to help the child develop the qualities that will serve him well in the future.
The fourth type of affirming words offers your child guidance for the future. It’s a powerful element of the second love language.
Too often parents give the right message but in the wrong manner. They tell their children to stay away from drinking, but their harsh and cruel manner may in fact drive the children to alcohol. Words of guidance must be given in a positive way. A positive message delivered in a negative manner will always reap negative results. As one child said, “My parent s are yelling and screaming at me, telling me not to yell and scream.
They expect me to do something they have not learned to do.
It’s unfair.” One child said, “My parents are yelling and screaming at me, telling me not to yell and scream.” Another difficulty is that many parents view parental guidance as an exercise in prohibition. “Don’t lie.” “Don’t hit your sister.” “Don’t cross the street.” “Don’t eat too much candy.” Then, later: “Don’t drink and drive.” “Don’t get pregnant.” “Don’t smoke.” “Don’t experiment with drugs.” “Don’t go to that concert.” These are all good warnings but hardly enough direction to build a meaningful life. To be sure,
prohibition is part of parental guidance, but it should never be the predominant element. In the biblical account of the Garden of Eden, God gave Adam and Eve only one negative; all other guidance was positive. He gave them meaningful work to fill their lives with productive activity. Much later, when the children of Israel came to Sinai, they were given the TEN Commandments, five of which are positive and five negative. In Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, His guidance is overwhelmingly positive.
The negative is necessary, but only as a part of the guidance we give our children. The supreme law is the law of love, and it is loving, positive guidance that our children so desperately need. If we can guide them into positive, meaningful pursuits,
they are less likely to fall prey to the perils we want them to avoid.
Many parents view parental guidance as an exercise in prohibition.
Parents who offer words of loving guidance will be looking closely at the interests and abilities of their children and giving positive verbal reinforcement of those interests. From academic pursuits to simple rules of etiquette to the complex art of personal relationships, parents need to be expressing emotional love in the positive verbal guidance they give their children. When your son or daughter is a teen, rather than condemning your child’s friends who are making poor choices,
it is far better to take a loving approach that expresses concern for them. You might show your child accounts of accidents and deaths that involve drugs and alcohol and share how painful it is for you to think about such devastation in the lives of these young people and their families. When your child hears your loving expressions of concern for other young people, he is far more likely to identify with you than when he hears you condemning people who do such things.
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