When Your Child’s Primary Love Language Is Words of Affirmation The words “I love you” should always stand alone in reality or by implication. To say, “I love you … will you please do this for me?” dilutes the theme of love. To say, “I love you, but I’ll tell you right now …” cancels itself out. The words “I love you” should never be diluted with conditional statements. This is true for all children, but especially for those whose primary love language is words.
To his parents, ten-year-old Cole seemed very lethargic.
They had tried all sorts of things to help him be more interested in life—from sports to a dog—and they were at their wits’ end.
They often complained to Cole about his attitude, telling him that he should be thankful to have parents who cared about him and also that he needed to find an interest he could develop. They even threatened to take him to a counselor if he didn’t get more excited about life.
After Steve and Jen attended a seminar about the love languages, they wondered immediately if Cole’s primary love language might be words of affirmation. They realized that this was the one thing they had not given him. Instead, they had showered him with gifts, hugged him daily, and provided quality time and acts of service. But their actual words to their son sent another message—one of criticism.
So they developed a plan. Jen and Steve began to make a conscious effort to give Cole words of affirmation, starting with comments about what they liked about him. As they prepared for this experiment, they decided that for one month they would concentrate on making their words communicate the message, “We care about you, we love you, we like you.” Cole was a physically attractive child, and so they would begin by commenting on his appearance. They would not tie their words of affirmation to a suggestion such as, “You’re strong—you should be playing football.” Rather they would talk about his athletic build and leave it at that. They also began to watch for things in Cole’s behavior that pleased them and then made positive statements. If he fed their dog Lucy,
they expressed appreciation rather than saying, “It’s about time.” When they had to give guidance, they would try to keep it positive. A month later Steve and Jen reported, “We can’t believe the change in Cole. He’s a different kid … maybe because we’re different parents. His attitude toward life is much more positive.
He’s sharing jokes with us and laughing. He is feeding Lucy and was recently out playing football with some kids. We think we’re on the right track.” Steve and Jen’s discovery changed them as well as Cole.
They learned that parenting is not just a matter of doing what comes naturally. Because every child is different, it is essential to communicate love to that child in his or her primary language. Jen and Steve’s story shows that it is possible to use a child’s love language wrongly, bringing hurt and frustration to the child. Cole’s language was words of affirmation—and they were giving him words of condemnation.
Such words are harmful to any child, but they are extremely destructive to a child whose primary language is words of affirmation. If you think this is your child’s language, and yet you have a hard time saying affirming things, we suggest that you keep a notebook titled “Words of Affirmation.” When you hear other parents giving affirmation to their children, write their statements in your notebook. When you read an article on childrearing, record the positive words you find. Look for books on parent-child relationships and record all the words of affirmation you discover. Then practice saying those words in front of a mirror. The more often you say them, the more they will become your own. Then consciously look for opportunities to say these affirming things to your child, at least three times a day.
If you find that you fall back into old patterns of condemnation or negativism, tell your child that you are sorry,
that you realize the words are hurtful, and this is not how you feel about him. Ask him to forgive you. Tell him that you are trying to become a better parent and that you love him very deeply and want to communicate that love more effectively. In due time, you will be able to break the old habits and establish new patterns. The best reward of all is that you will see the effect on the face of your child, especially in his eyes, and you will feel it in your heart. And the chances are good that you will begin to receive words of affirmation from him; the more he feels loved by you, the more he is likely to reciprocate.
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