What the Children Say
The following four children share words of affirmation as their primary love language.
Melissa, eight, said, “I love my mother because she loves me.
Every day she tells me that she loves me. I think my father does too, but he never tells me so.” Taylor, age twelve, broke her arm this year. “I know that my parents love me because while I was having such a hard time keeping up with my schoolwork, they encouraged me. They never forced me to do homework when I wasn’t feeling well,
but told me I could do it later. They said how proud they were that I was trying so hard and that they knew I would be able to keep up.” David is an active, outspoken five-year-old, confident that his parents love him. “My mommy loves me and my daddy loves me. Every day they say, ‘I love you.’” John, ten, has been in foster homes since he was three. For the past eight months he has lived with Doug and Betsy, his fourth set of foster parents. When he was asked if they genuinely loved him, he said they did. We asked why he said that so quickly. “Because they don’t yell and scream at me. My last foster parents yelled and screamed all the time. They treated me like trash. Doug and Betsy treat me like a person. I know I have lots of problems, but I also know that they love me.” For children whose primary love language is words of affirmation, nothing is more important to their sense of being loved than to hear parents and other adults verbally affirm them. But the reverse is also true—words of condemnation will hurt them very deeply. Harsh and critical words are detrimental to all children, but to those whose primary language is words of affirmation, such negative words are devastating. And they can play those words in their minds for many years.
Thus, it is essential for parents and other significant adults in the child’s life to quickly apologize for negative, critical, or harsh remarks. While the words can’t be erased by an apology,
their effect can be minimized. If you realize that you have a negative communication pattern with your child, you might encourage your spouse to record some of your episodes so that you can hear yourself. This can be very sobering, but it can also be a step in breaking negative patterns of speaking.
Because positive communication is so important to every successful parent-child relationship, it is worth the effort to break old patterns and establish new ones. The benefit to your child will be enormous, and the sense of satisfaction you gain will be very rewarding.
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