quality time Four-year-old Ella is pulling on her mother’s leg. “Mommy,
Mommy, let’s go play!” “I can’t play right now,” Kate says. “I have to finish paying bills. I’ll play with you after that. Go play by yourself for a few minutes and then we’ll do something together.” In five minutes, Ella is back, begging to play. Kate responds,
“Ellie, I told you that I have to do this one important thing first.
Now run along and I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Ella leaves the room but in four minutes she is back. Eventually the bills are paid and the two have their playtime together. But Kate knows that the scenario will be repeated tomorrow.
What can we learn from Kate and Ella? The chances are good that little Ellie is revealing her primary love language—quality time. What really makes her feel loved is her mother’s undivided attention. This is so important to her that she returns again and again. But Kate often sees these repeated requests as intrusions. If they persist long enough, she may even “lose it” with her daughter and send her to her room for an isolated time-out—just the opposite of what Ella needs.
What’s the answer? Kate wonders. Is it possible to love a child and still get my own work done? The answer is a resounding yes. Learning a child’s primary love language is one key to reaching that objective. If Kate had given Ella fifteen minutes of quality time before she started paying bills,
she probably could have done her work in peace. When a child’s love tank is empty and attention is the only thing that will fill it, that child will go to almost any length to get what she needs.
Even negative attention seems better than no attention to the child. Even if your child’s primary love language is not quality time,
many children crave the undivided attention of parents.
Indeed, much childhood misbehavior is an attempt to get more time with Mom or Dad. Even negative attention seems better than no attention to the child.
For years we have heard people talking about the need to give children “quality time,” especially amidst the busyness of today’s culture. And yet, while more people are talking about quality time, many children are starving for it.
Quality time is focused, undivided attention. Most infants receive plenty of quality time—feeding and changing alone offer that kind of attention, not only from mothers but fathers and perhaps extended family as well.
As a child grows, the giving of quality time becomes more difficult, because it requires real sacrifice on the part of parents.
It’s easier to give physical touch and words of affirmation than quality time. Few of us have enough hours in the day to get everything done as it is; giving a child quality time may mean that we have to give up something else. As children grow toward adolescence, they often need our attention just when we parents are exhausted, rushed, or emotionally out of sorts.
Quality time is a parent’s gift of presence to a child. It conveys this message: “You are important. I like being with you.” It makes the child feel that he is the most important person in the world to the parent. He feels truly loved because he has his parent all to himself.
When you spend quality time with children, you need to go to their physical/emotional level of development. When they are learning to crawl, for instance, you can sit on the floor with them. As they take their first steps, you should be nearby,
urging them on. As they progress to sandboxes and learning to throw and kick a ball, you are there. When their world widens to include school, lessons of various sorts, sports, church, and community activities, you are all the while keeping up with them. The older a child is, the harder this may be, especially as you try to make private time for each child while staying involved in their more public activities.
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