The Grace of Giving Giving and receiving gifts as a way to express love is a universal phenomenon. The English word gift comes from the Greek word charis, which means “grace, or an undeserved gift.” The idea behind this is that if the gift is deserved, then it is payment. A true gift is not payment for services rendered;
rather, it is an expression of love for the individual and is freely given by the donor. In our society, not all giving is so sincere.
Especially in the business world, much of it is payback for doing business with a certain company, or a bribe in hope that someone will do business in the future. The item is not given simply for the benefit of the receiver, but is more a way of saying thank you for making a financial contribution or a request for a further contribution.
The same distinction needs to be made in parental giving to children. When a parent offers a gift if the child will clean his room, this is not a true gift but a payment for services rendered.
When a parent promises an ice cream cone to a child if he will watch TV for the next half hour, the cone is not a gift but a bribe designed to manipulate the child’s behavior. While the child may not know the words payback or bribe, he understands the concept.
At times parents who have every intention of offering a true gift may be sending confused messages if they ignore the child’s deep emotional need for love. In fact, a child who doesn’t feel truly loved can easily misinterpret a gift, thinking it is conditionally given. One mother, under great stress and at odds with her son, gave him a new baseball. Later, she found it in the toilet.
“Jason, what’s your ball doing here? Don’t you like it?” “Sorry,” was Jason’s only reply.
The next day she found the ball in the garbage can. Again she talked with him, and he just looked down and said, “I’m sorry.” Later Mom learned to concentrate on keeping Jason’s emotional tank full, especially at bedtime. Soon she began to notice a change. In a few weeks, she gave him a baseball bat,
and this time he hugged her and said with a smile, “Thanks,
Mom!” Jason is typical of compliant children who have empty emotional tanks. These children seldom show their pain and their needs openly, but display their feelings in indirect ways. The disposing or ignoring of gifts is a classic example of this type of child needing a fill-up.
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