When Giving Is Abused Be careful. It’s often tempting to shower children with gifts as substitutes for the other love languages. For many reasons,
parents sometimes resort to presents rather than being truly present to their children. For some who grew up in unhealthy families, a gift seems easier to give than emotional involvement.Others may not have the time, patience, or knowledge to know how to give their children what they genuinely need. They truly love their children, but seem unaware of how to provide the emotional security and sense of self-worth that they need.
Abuse of gift-giving can occur when a child is living with a custodial parent following a separation or divorce. The noncustodial parent is often tempted to shower a child with gifts, perhaps from the pain of separation or feelings of guilt over leaving the family. When these gifts are overly expensive,
ill-chosen, and used as a comparison with what the custodial parent can provide, they are really a form of bribery, an attempt to buy the child’s love. They may also be a subconscious way of getting back at the custodial parent.
Children receiving such ill-advised gifts may eventually see them for what they are, but in the meantime they are learning that at least one parent regards gifts as a substitute for genuine love. This can make children materialistic and manipulative, as they learn to manage people’s feelings and behavior by the improper use of gifts. This kind of substitution can have tragic consequences for the children’s character and integrity.
We think of Susan, who is raising three children alone. Susan had been divorced for three years from Charles, who now lives with his second wife in a luxurious lifestyle. Susan and the children were just getting by financially, and the children wereeager to visit Dad. Lisa, Charley, and Annie, ages fifteen,
twelve, and ten, saw their dad two weekends a month. On these visits he would take them on expensive outings such as skiing and boating. No wonder they wanted to visit—that’s where the fun was—and they increasingly complained about being bored at home. They often returned with lavish gifts, and they displayed increasing amounts of anger at Susan, especially for the few days following a visit with their father. Charles was turning their feelings against Susan, as he tried to earn affection for himself. He didn’t realize that as the children grew older, they would come to despise him for manipulating them.
Fortunately, Susan was able to persuade Charles to receive counseling with her and to seek healthy ways to handle their children. Initially, this meant setting aside past differences and anger so that they could work together to meet the emotional needs of their children. During the counseling, they both became expert love tank filler-uppers. When Charles used all five love languages to relate to his children, and learned to use gift-giving as a love language instead of a manipulating device,
the children responded beautifully. While it is still uncommon for divorced people to work together in this way for the good of their children, more parents are attempting to do so.
Other parents (and grandparents) may choose to shower their kids with so many presents that their rooms look like disorganized toy stores. With such excess, the gifts lose their specialness; the child has more toys than he can possibly experience. Eventually none of the gifts has any meaning, and the child becomes emotionally dead to receiving gifts. The toys seem a burden to him, because his parents expect him to keep the toys in some semblance of order.
Lavishing too many gifts is like taking a child into the toy department and saying, “All of this belongs to you.” The child may be excited at first, but after a while is running in all directions and playing with nothing.
Parents and grandparents may need to give less rather than more, carefully choosing gifts that will be meaningful.
Appropriate toys should help a child learn how to focus his attention with enjoyment. For this to happen, parents and grandparents may need to give less rather than more, carefully choosing gifts that will be meaningful rather than impressive.
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