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Oti Rubben

2 years ago

ERIC TEN HAG DISCOVERS A HIDDEN SUPPLY OF KETCHUP AT CARRINGTON, BREAKING NEWS.

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2 years ago



According to Paddy Power News, thousands of ketchup sachets have been found at Manchester United's Carrington training facility. 

 

This week, the team was given Erik ten Hag's five golden guidelines, which include getting rid of personal cooks and changing the cuisine at the club canteen to include more fish and vegetables. 

Netherlands' ARNHEM on May 15: Prior to the Dutch Eredivisie match between Vitesse and Ajax Amsterdam, which will take place at Gelredome on May 15, 2022 in Arnhem, Netherlands, AFC Ajax Head Coach/Manager Erik ten Hag watches from the sidelines. (Image) 

Used tomato sauce packets are all throughout the Carrington cafeteria, but some of the playing staff have had trouble hearing the message. 

 

We were reported that Erik was furious and sent the sniffer dogs in right away to find the source. 

"When he says zero tolerance, he really means it, and you never know what else they could find — Edinson Cavani's hiding place, a transfer target who hasn't appeared for Ajax, a tip for the Glazers about what the f**k they're doing..." 

However, it didn't take the hounds very long to find a saucy cache. 

Even we were astonished when we discovered sauce containers concealed in a cabinet under the stairs, buried beneath a pile of worn-out coats. 

Soccer Football - Old Trafford, Manchester, United Kingdom - October 2, 2018 - Manchester United vs. Valencia - Champions League Group Stage - Group H view of the stadium's general interior before the game Phil Noble for Reuters 

They were all marked "to be destroyed by command of David Moyes" and several had been expired for more than five years. 

 

Evidently, someone had been smuggling them out all along. 

In fact, the new manager has already questioned a number of staff members in order to find out who knew about the gathering of what one source referred to as "red gold." 

To be honest, it's like watching United after they have given up because everyone is blaming someone else. 

We were informed that Luke Shaw had already broken and had admitted to squeezing packets into his mouth because other older guys had said they were "vitamins."

 

After being questioned and suggesting that club captain Harry Maguire might be at fault for no apparent reason, Cristiano Ronaldo is seeking for a new job. 

MUNICH, GERMANY - JUNE 18: Cristiano Ronaldo of Portugal observes the Portugal Training Session on June 18, 2021, in Munich, Germany, prior to the Portugal vs. Germany UEFA Euro 2020 Group F match. (Image) 

And after having the last few splinters removed from his a*se, Donny van de Beek is scheduled to arrive for interrogation. 

 

It is unknown right now, but Ten Hag is determined to follow his rules no matter what; he won't hesitate to add to them if required.

 

He will not prohibit post-match apologies from social media until the season has begun. 

 

The reports are said to have devastated United's social media intern. We were told: "He knows his performance hasn't been good enough, that standards are high at a great club like Man United and the fans expect the best from their social media posters," before saying "Hashtag We Go Again" and pumping his right arm three times in the manner of the strong emoji. 

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