The 10 funniest insults musicians have hurled at each other
A while ago, I was chatting to the lead singer of a band when I slowly began to wonder whether their arsehole ever gets jealous of their mouth because of the amount of shit that comes out of it. Music is a world of pretence, opinion, iconoclasm and dickheads: That’s a potent mix that often bubbles over into a volley of insults akin to a Parliamentary debate between the living. As Mark E. Smith, the frontman who famously went to war with the world, once concluded: “The thing with me is I can’t stick musicians. I’ve thought about this, and I can’t stand them. Being stuck in a studio with them, I think that’s my strength, I can hear what they can’t.” It might be a strength, but hating musicians as musicians is also a beleaguering curse that perhaps explains the spleen he could never quite vent in his fighting years with us. However, he is far from alone. In the ego-bruising industry of music, insults are traded ten-a-penny. Below, we’ve collated some of the funniest ones that have ever been uttered. Alas, it is always worth remembering that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all (with notable exceptions) because although a lot of the bad bastards below might be funny, some of them are also the sort of goons who never return a trolley to its proper lodgings and haven’t even considered giving a fiver to Michael Ball’s donkey charity. Noel Gallagher vs Liam Gallagher In a bitterly biblical feud akin to Kane and Abel, the Oasis brothers are at loggerheads in a parka-clad battle that has somehow surpassed tedium and become interesting again, a bit like Kate Bush (just kidding, I love Kate Bush). However, amid all the endless backstabbing, the most beautiful couplet came from Noel, who decreed: “Liam is the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup.” In response, Liam vengefully threatened to “brain him”, whatever that means. (Credit: Alamy) Keith Richards vs Elton John Keith Richards isn’t kind to anyone bar himself and the Rolling Stones, whom he frequently lavished with audacious praise. But one of his most scathing insults was reserved for easy target Reginald Kenneth Dwight aka Elton John. “An old bitch… his writing is limited to songs about dead blondes,” Richards blurted. But John wasn’t having anything, and he came out of his corner swinging when he shot back: “It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He’s pathetic. It’s like a monkey with arthritis, trying to go on stage and look young. I have great respect for the Stones but they would have been better if they had thrown Keith out 15 years ago.” (Credit: Alamy) Robert Smith vs Morrissey Smith recently stated that his feud with Morrissey was merely “imaginary”, stating: “I’ve realised how easily these things can spiral because people want it to be something. They’re desperate for it to be some sort of soap opera.” However, that seems starkly contrasting to the time when he said, “If Morrissey says not to eat meat, then I’ll eat meat. That’s how much I hate Morrissey.” Just a friendly bit of competitive soap opera from everyone’s favourite auntie, I suppose. (Credit: Alamy) Nick Cave vs Red Hot Chili Peppers In the saddest entry in this list, we begin with a bit of profound praise from Flea. “Igor Stravinsky sat at his piano every fucking day,” Flea said, “The same thing goes for Nick Cave, the greatest living songwriter. He goes to work! Every day. And that’s what we do.” Thus, it was all the more crushing when he discovered the following quote by Nick Cave regarding his band: “I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.” The happy ending is that they have since buried the hatchet and Cave invited Flea along to play on their recent tour, an experience which he deemed spiritual… once the inevitable awkwardness subsided.
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