In 2001, I was living in London and had recently finished my master's thesis on feminist performance art. I'd left the printed copy at my new boyfriend's leased flat and was on my way back after a doctor's visit for a strangely late bout of chickenpox.
My partner had recently begun renting a home in west London with two young women at the top of an ancient building with a spiral staircase and a creaking elevator. A stranger approached the door, his key in my pocket, and begged for some water. My hackles raised when he arrived apparently out of nowhere, and I pretended to have misplaced the key and instead gave him the key.
I moved rapidly to let myself into the apartment, and as the key was inserted, I felt the cold steel of a knife at my throat. When I pushed myself inside, I performed a quick survey of the room, assuming he was going to steal something - stereo, maybe a laptop or two upstairs. There was nothing that couldn't be replaced. But then he threw me to the ground and began covering my head with a rag, screaming "shut up" while I protested.
He claimed he wouldn't injure me if I did what he said, pulling me to my feet with the knife firmly at my throat. We started up the stairs in a scary manner. I realised this was not going to be your average robbery. Quiet inner panic set in.
Later, with my clothing still piled on the floor and my face still covered, I joined the ranks of rape survivors. I'd also mastered the art of dissociation, which was both a benefit and a curse, and my psyche used it regularly from then on. I'd have an awful "out of body" feeling, as if I were seeing at the world through a long tunnel, bewildered, shut down, and disconnected from my environment and everyone around me.
I later joined the ranks of rape victims, my clothes still heaped on the floor and my face still covered. I'd also perfected the skill of dissociation, which was both a blessing and a curse, and my mind began to employ it on a regular basis from then on. I'd have a horrible "out of body" experience, as if I were looking at the world through a lengthy tunnel, befuddled, shut down, and detached from my surroundings as well as those around me.
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