A stay at Kilmartin Castle comes with a few warnings.
Check-in and you'll need to mind your head, watch your step and keep an eye out for the occasional bat – they like it in there.
But if you're at ease with low door frames, uneven staircases and the odd visit from winged creatures of the night, there is a strong chance you'll be completely smitten with the place – like I am.
Kilmartin Castle is a formidable fortress home on the outside - and a hipster chic place to stay on the inside
The castle's wonderful living room, where guests can recline on a 70s-style modular L-shaped sofa in front of the fire - and spin vinyl
You'll find Kilmartin Castle, in Scotland's rural Argyll, listed in Sawday's, which celebrates 'special' places to stay.
Special? This 16th-century castle – set in one of Scotland's most historically fascinating areas - is extraordinary.
It's Game of Thrones hipster chic. An imposing, dramatic, thick-walled fortress – but with mod cons, delightful luxury boutique touches and a splash of cool (this is a castle where guests can spin vinyl).
Ted's bedroom - called Speel - features a beautifully upholstered antique double bed and a magnificent copper bath
Plus, it has laid-back, welcoming, bonhomie-infused owners – Stef Burgon and husband Simon Hunt – who you'll be chatting to like old friends within minutes.
The fact that Kilmartin Castle, which was built in 1550 during the legendary reign of Mary Queen of Scots, is now a one-of-a-kind place to stay is all their doing.
The property was an abandoned semi-ruin from 1790 until 1990 when a couple spruced it up over 10 years and ran it as a B&B.
Stef and Simon bought Kilmartin Castle for Ł330,000 and spent seven months renovating it with the help of architects, skilled restorers and builders, and a dollop of determination
Stef and Simon bought the property for Ł330,000 in 2014 when they lived and worked in Dubai (Stef as a radio presenter and Simon as an ad agency creative director) and rented it to holidaymakers remotely.
At the end of 2018, they moved in and spent seven months renovating it with the help of architects, skilled restorers and builders, and a dollop of determination.
I was extremely excited at the prospect of checking out the handiwork.
Of course, as with any self-respecting escape to a rural Scottish lodge, the journey is half the fun.
Ours – me, my partner and three-year-old daughter – began with an Avanti Pendolino from London Euston to Glasgow along the West Coast Main Line. This serves up a mouthwatering hors d'oeuvre to a holiday in the wind-ravaged wilds of Scotland by skirting the Lake District and the Yorkshire Dales and offering up eye-popping views of the North Pennines, too.
From Glasgow, it was a memorably thrilling hire-car drive along roller coaster roads that dipped and swooped past lochs Lomond, Gilp and Fyne (where we stopped for oysters and fish and chips at the excellent Loch Fyne Oyster Bar & Deli) – and between immense mountains.
Kilmartin Castle lies just north of Loch Gilp in the enchanting Kilmartin Glen, nestled in the hamlet of Kilmartin.
Within six miles of the village, over 350 prehistoric and historic monuments have been found, including Dunadd Fort, where Scottish kings of old were anointed.
The hill it once stood on – a big lump in an otherwise flat expanse of fields - makes for an arresting sight on the approach to Kilmartin from the south.
Tantalisingly, you can't see the castle from the road – at least not clearly. Instead, it springs forth like a cut-out in a pop-up book as you enter a gap in a wall of trees on a gravel driveway beyond a cluster of cottages.
Stef, 41, and Simon, 38, haven't altered the building's fantasy kingdom looks and structure – the walls are as chunky as they were over 500 years ago, the fairy-tale turrets remain in place and some of the windows sport original defensive metal bar shields.
It's still a home that could withstand a (medieval) attack.
But inside, it's a beguiling blend of 'visible history', as Stef and Simon put it, cosiness and eclectic quirk.
Medieval authenticity abounds, yet you'll be as comfortable here as in a five-star hotel.
After Stef had given us a quick tour of the castle vegetable patch, explained that we might hear the neighbour practising his bagpipes, told us that bats got in from time to time and showed us the key to the front door – which is almost as big as my toddler – it was time to see our lodgings.
We ascended uneven steps up to the living room (the medieval builders deliberately made them idiosyncratic so that attackers would fall over on the way up, the idea being that the occupants learned the pattern) and then up a spiral staircase to our bedroom – one of four, called Speel – which was too narrow and steep to negotiate with our huge suitcase.
Speel, it turns out, is an old Scottish word for 'the climb'. The reward for the ascent? An utterly wonderful room.
A beautifully upholstered antique double bed sits beneath a wall with semi-exposed stonework and a vaulted ceiling.
Upcycled vintage travel trunks form one of the side tables, there's a hipster floor lamp with an exposed retro bulb and in the adjacent tower, accessed via a huge step, a bathroom with a rain shower in the middle of the ceiling and a beautiful earthenware sink.
This turret ensuite even has a heated floor, as do the other turret bathrooms and the entire ground floor.
Shampoo, soap and conditioner are stored in little refillable painted ceramic pots by artist Claire Henry and there was ground coffee presented in a paper bag, clipped together with the handle of a metal scoop.
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