The Dollhouse Drive-in is a clogged artery waiting to take you out. Featuring a menu with caloric levels that are very possibly illegal, the place has been an institution in my home town since before I was born. I crave its wraps like an addict craves dope. The restaurant is close to the convenience store where James’ daughter was last seen. Where she’d bought milk and airtime and it had cost her life.
Pulling in, I could see James and his sister, Jenny, through the lens of my windshield and tinted windows. The look on their faces almost made me regret my decision to come.
“I’m convinced the boyfriend is clear. Co-workers place him at the body shop when Anna went missing. He’s barely holding it together. It feels right to me.”
James nodded in agreement.
“How did the boyfriend take the news?” Jenny spoke through a mouthful of double-oily burger with pickles falling out.
I shrugged. You know.
I did. Though I had never had to tell anyone that their loved one has passed on, I’d participated in the notification of next of kin. In that moment, when lives changed forever. I’d seen people faint, lash out, cry, go catatonic. I’d heard them berate, accuse, beg for retraction, for reassurance that it was all a mistake. No matter how often I partook, the task was always heart breaking.
Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts Arising from Grief
The grieving process can lead to unhelpful thoughts that cause powerful negative emotions, destructive behavior, and harm other relationships. Remember, especially early in the grieving process, to be kind to yourself and expect difficult thoughts and emotions to arrive. However, when ready, or if they are causing harmful behavior, the following advice can help. The steps below provide a Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) based approach for replacing negative thoughts with more positive ones (Morris, 2018)
Six Steps to Overcome Challenging Thoughts
Step One – Write down the situation or triggers of challenging thoughts during your time of loss.
Step Two – Write down how you are left feeling and any anything that you are doing that is not helping the situation.
Step Three – Write down what thoughts and beliefs are behind this negative feeling.
Step Four – Challenge these thoughts and feelings by asking yourself: “What evidence is there for these thoughts?” “What evidence is there for these feelings?” “What alternative thinking can I adopt?” “How is this thinking likely to affect me?” If it was your friend, what advice would you give that person? “What would my loved one tell me to do if they were here now?”
Step Five – Re-write your thoughts and beliefs based on answering the above questions.
Step Six – Identify your new feelings (and potential for new behavior) based on the new thoughts and beliefs.
Remember that grieving takes time – be compassionate to yourself as you work through each of the steps. You may not find answers or implement changes straight away; it will take perseverance
A closing thought …
We live, we learn. We crash, we burn. But then we heal, we overcome and we rise! May you find the beauty in simple things today. May your heart be at peace and may you acknowledge and appreciate all your blessings! Have a beautiful day!
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